Friday, January 15, 2010

Friday January 15 2010

We are well into the new decade and this is my first post. I am struggling more every day to stay on top of thing financially, mentally and emotionally, feel like I am on a rollercoaster most of the time, torn in 10 different directions, and no answers just a pit of depression.

I was coming back from feeding Judy's horses the other morning and this Cardinal was in a tree right next to the road, I stopped and reversed the truck and snapped a few shots of him, this is just about full frame, just a little cropping. I have been trying to get a good Cardinal shot for the 9 years that I have been here and this one just happened and I had my camera with me. It was shot through the truck window so didnt so too badly! Finally!!
Yesterday on my way back from Judy's again I saw this chap ice fishing on our local Lake Placid (a christian community property with a lake on it and with all the extreme cold we have been having obviously the ice was thick enough to withstand his weight, personally I wouldnt have attempted it LOL). He had drilled his hole in the ice and snow and was patiently waiting to catch himself a fish. Dont know if he succeeded but he didnt seem to happy to have me pointing my camera at him LOL. I hope he was successful because the January thaw started yesterday and I am pretty sure he wouldnt have attempted it again today.
With the crazy weather we have been having it has not helped my mental state. I had the horses in during the extreme cold week to 10 days that we had and put them out a few days ago but with the thaw starting now of course the mud is starting again. I have dreadfully dirty stables to get cleaned out, snow and ice still on the ground and dont know where to start. I may have to bring them in tonight if the mud is too bad as they will just trample their hay into the mud if I feed them outside. So far they are all looking great, not as fat as I would like them to be but we are weathering the storm so to speak.
I still have not been able to find work and photography sales have been minimal so it is a day to day struggle to find the money I need to pay the bills, especially the huge ones left after Larry passed away. I have been lucky enough to get some energy assistance for the electricity account which has been a blessing, but as far as Social Security, Disability benefits or Medical care, nothing!
And that doesnt even begin to cover the funeral bill which I have been trying to pay off monthly (you dont want to know how much that came to I was shattered when I got the bill!!).
Well had to get a bit of that off my chest, my horses are my other worry, I have had too much time on my hands and although everyone tells me to send them to the sales, I have done a lot of research and seen too many horror stories on the horse slaughter issues here in the USA, that I would never take one of my animals to a sale, I would be lucky to get $50 a piece for them anyway and they would probably end up on some European or Japanese dinner plate in a restaurant, I dont even want to get started on what is going on in that area at the moment, it sickens me, which of course doesnt help my mental wellbeing either.
Sorry for the Blaaah post today but that is how I am feeling and it is not getting any better. Sometimes I feel I am just being a pain in the ass and complaining all the time but I really do care and would do anything to get some type of work to help me clear all this backlog but it just aint happening and me not having a work history here doesnt help either. I also have to wait until I am 60 (another 10 years) before I can draw a pension off of Larry's Disability. Wonder if I will still be around then!!!!
I am not normally as vocal about my problems but needed to get it out and today was the day.
((((Hugs)))) to you all and I hope that all is well in your neck of the woods, we have had to deal with a lot of bad weather country wide and in fact world wide, so I hope you are all doing okay.


Donna said...

Lovely shots of the cardinal, Lori. I can't believe you can't get any money from your husband's benefits until you are 60, that seems ridiculous. I wish I had something to offer you other than my warmest thoughts and prayers.

Just Me said...

With every door that closes, God provides a window. Look for the window. I am 50 years old and have had different but emotionally similiar feelings, depression and more. There is a window. For 2 years, all God said to me was: Be still, and know that I am God. If you seek him, he will answer.

I know you don't know me, and this all may sound trite and as if I don't know what I am talking about. I wouldn't say it, if I had not lived it. There were days when I didn't think I could get up and get out of bed, and I did. And he showed me how to take one step at a time. I am a testimony to God's power. He will take what you have to give... your faith can be a small as a mustard seed, and if you seek him, he will respond.

You are in my prayers. Look for the window.

Carmi said...

I'm glad you shared this. Although it pains me to see you going through such challenge, your courage in bringing it forward it inspiring. I agree with Just Me: G-d finds ways to open doors, even when we're not in any position to recognize it.

I vowed that 2010 would be an improvement over 2009, not just for me but for my family and friends, too. Someone with your talent and pluck will surely find traction and rise above the sadness of your recent past. In my soul, I've got to believe that good things eventually happen to good people.

(Aside from the fact that no one looks at life through a lens quite like you. Unique talent ultimately finds its reward.)

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